Jenny

WHO WAS ELIMINATED TONIGHT??

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It seems like I've started something on the internet with a real classy lady.( LOL FOREVER )

So today I told my dad we have nothing to make for lunches. My mom went to the store last night and I kid you not she got a bucket full of candy, extra butter popcorn, a raspberry pie and a container of cookies. So, I said, do you want to eat something? He freaks out instantly saying "we're going to be eating dinner soon" (it was 1:30 PM, and I work at 5) I then stated that I would be making MYSELF some rice-a-roni. He then goes, well maybe I will have some. Okay, so he didn't want to eat until I was already making something. I start making it, and he corrects me on how I'm doing it wrong. Well, this is too high, turn that down. blah, blah, blah. I said, well then why don't you just make it? Because you're telling me how much I suck at doing it. Then I brought up how it's just never good enough. Whatever I do is obviously wrong, and he feels as though he needs to tell me it's wrong.

I'm so, SO, SOOOO siok of this god damned shit. It never fails for him to take my great mood/day and suck it into shit. My dad is literally the FUN POLICE. We are not allowed to listen to the radio in the pool at all anymore because he can't hear when people are talking. Yet, he claims to NOT have a hearing problem. (he got his hearing tested, and was supposed to get aids, then he just never did) He said, well if he got hearing aids, my mom will just pick on him for something else. LOL. So why not give her one less thing to rag on you about? Whatever she does to him, he does to me. Just picks apart everything I do, analyze it, tell me how I fucked up.

I want to get out of here so bad, and I never realize how badly until we have these bullshit arguments. I know that I'm capable of taking care of myself. It's just that I hate when he gets in my head and tries to tell me I'm not. After so long, I am starting to let that get to me.

I feel like I should already be done with school, I should have moved on and done something amazing, or at least get the hell out of shithole Redford, MI. At least I'm still working (and working very hard) at my goal of graduating college, it's like geez I just want to be DONE already. I'm sick with myself that I ever let myself be like this, how I am right now. It disgusts me. I've always been one of those people though that doesn't do or say certain things to even my best friends because I just don't want their sympathy, or to not even have them think about what I'm thinking about. IDK if that makes sense, but it does to me and I guess that's all that really matters.

I think that I want too many things. I am so impatient too that I can't possibly stand to wait for things to happen. I have to wait to graduate before I can move out of state and pursue other opportunities. But along with that waiting period is a ton more fighting, hard work in school, and just being weighed down with the everyday. I feel like I'm working toward a goal that seems impossible to accomplish. Like, in the mean time I'm going to just say fuck it and settle here. I don't even start up relationships with people because I'm just so over THIS. I'm over the fucking mid west, I'm over depressing ass Michigan and it's lame ass people who are all the time. (sorry, not ALL of you, but I've been surrounded by dumb ass people who just make children for WAY too long)<-- And I realize I will always be surrounded by this wherever I go, but I want to be doing what I want to do, and where I want to do it. I want to travel, see things, go places. I want to be all about doing what I want to do, all the time!

I think this would be a little easier if I had more patience, or if I didn't have such a dick face for a dad. I've considered my options with just moving out of the house for the remainder of my time here (until I graduate) and unless I can get student loans to pay for room and board, I'll just stay here. It would be kinda dumb to live in an apartment and pay rent when I could be SAVING that money for my future. I guess we'll see.

I have to give myself a little reality check every once and a while I guess. Even though I bitch about how much my situation sucks, it could be a HELL of a lot worse. I am lucky and grateful for all that I have, but it seems like there's always a catch. Like, my dad does something nice for me, but never lets me forget it, and rubs it in my face as he's screaming his lungs out to me. It's not okay to be nice to someone, but then be an asshole too. Despite the fact that you do nice things for me, it doesn't make the bad LESS bad, you know?

I have such a fucked up idea of men because of him. I never really had the guy of my dreams, and I'm so afraid of marrying my father, that I would just rather ignore the situation for a little bit. I have been single for a little over 2 years, and I've done a lot "soul searching" ?? (for a lack of better words) I've really focused a lot of myself, and what I want to do, what makes me happy. I started doing a lot better in school, got a steady job, and I think I'm just a better person, and better friend.

Well, this is enough venting for now. Honestly, I feel like I could just go on forever, but who has that kind of time? I think I will relax a little bit before I start getting ready for work.

Lady Gaga has admitted to being a hermaphrodite: As speculated later this week, Lady Ga-Ga has confirmed that she indeed is a hermaphrodite. Pictures of her vagina, which shows a bulge resembling a tiny penis were released last week that started the rumors about her gender identity. This is what she had to say about it on her blog this morning:

“Its not something that I’m ashamed of, just isn’t something that i go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but i consider myself a female. Its just a little bit of a penis and really doesnt interfere much with my life. the reason I haven’t talked about it is that its not a big deal to me. like come on. its not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I’m sexy, I’m hot. i have both a poon and a peener. big f*cking deal.”- L8d Gaga <3>

SAUCE

I THINK WE ALREADY KNEW THIS.

Lately I have been wanting to make some plans for the future. I've been hurting to get out of my life here in Michigan. The only thing is, this is the live I've ever known. I have never been on my own. It's so long over due. I think my biggest fear is obviously failure. I don't know why though. If I made enough plans to move somewhere, have enough money, job and school underway. It's not like I really have a hard time talking to people or making friends. I just really don't want to fuck it up. My whole life I have wanted to break out of this place. I wanted to get away from all the people who said that I couldn't do shit, I was worthless, or whatnot. I feel like I need to start getting more ready for the future. Like applying for schools, looking at jobs and potential living quarters. Maybe take a couple trips to visit the area and get familiar with it? I want to start over somewhere else. I like my life here, don't get me wrong but it's not the life I ultimately want to live for the rest of my life. It's so ordinary and dull. It's like bam, before I knew it I'm 5 years out of high school still doing the same thing. I don't want that. I know that I fucked it up before when I initially moved away to college right after high school. I took advantage of my new found freedom and didn't step up to the responsibility of class and taking care of myself on my own. I wasn't ready, but I really think that I'm ready now.

I see a lot of my friends moving along and doing the next thing, and it's like, I want that. I have zero patience, so that makes wanting to change my life that much harder. I have to obviously wait to graduate here. I feel guilty that I didn't take any spring or summer courses. I feel bad that I'm so far behind. It's my own fault, I did it to myself. At the time when I fucked around in school I was totally unfocused. I was dating a LOSER who took up all of my time and money. It's funny how I let people just whisk me away into their world, or what they have going on. I've had 3 pretty serious relationships since high school that took up 4 out of 5 years I've been out. They all failed miserably. It's given me a lot of time to think about who I am. Why do I let these guys shit all over me? This time to myself has made me realized that clearly these guys were totally intimidated by me. (NONE of them have a college degree, or are even pursuing one)

I feel like everyone is waiting to stand back and laugh at me when I fail. It's like I want to prove everyone I can handle my own, while they are just on stand by for my call to say I need cash or help. I've always been able to make things happen for myself when I need it, especially when it comes to money. Everything seems to work itself out. But that's not really stable enough at this point. Plus, another thing too, I can't save money worth SHIT. I'll start to, but once I get enough money (few hundred) aside, I splurge on one big item. I clearly have nothing to show for all the money I've made. I need to start putting aside cash, because it's not like once I graduate I will move and have money for a place. I have all these expectations of what I WANT to happen, but I'm not making any plan to make sure those actually happen. It frustrates me because as much as my dad just nags and nags about saving, and money, I really hate to admit he's right or even take his advice.

I think I'll end my rant now, because I could really go on forever.

I still can't shake what happened last night. Here's a recap:

I waited on a party of over 17 people. They kept moving around, there were kids running all around and screaming, I almost lost my cool. But, I handled it well. They were picky, but I put all their orders in, and they came out perfect. No one had to send anything back, and surprisingly enough I didn't forget anything. (I didn't even double check their order) So, they ate pretty quick, and some of them wanted to leave pretty quick. They all had separate checks. So, I did my best to split them up. I made a couple mistakes at first, but I corrected them. I THOUGHT everyone had paid me. People were just throwing money to me left and right, so I assumed I had the entire check. When I noticed there was still $57 remaining on the check (from about $260 or something) I just assumed I forgot to cash that part out, so I did. Later on when I went to cash out, I only had $16 in my pocked. Meaning, that $57 wasn't in fact there, and I just paid for it. When I realized what I had done, I just thought my boss would comp the $57 so I could get what is rightfully mine. She didn't. She said that she didn't want to have to lose HER job for helping me out. It's not common practice for a server to pay the check when someone walks out. We also do not pick up the check when a server messes up an order, or the customer doesn't like their food. It all gets comped by the restaurant.

So tell me this, why was I the ONLY one to have to pay the check? Supposedly I wasn't "paying attention." No, fuck that. I woke up this morning (still VERY upset at the situation) and wrote down their entire order FROM MEMORY. I also wrote down all the forms of payments I received and the amounts. I also tried to recall the bill that wasn't paid for, and I came within $10 of what I'm owed. (I don't have prices memorized) So really, how was I not pay attention? Anyway, since it's Sunday, corporate isn't open. I am making it my first priority to call corporate in the morning to speak with them. I'm also making it a priority to talk with my general manager (who has no idea what's even going on) tomorrow, since she's been off since Friday.

Can someone PLEASE give me some information, legal advice, or ANYTHING as to what I should do??

I just had either a really great, or a really dumb idea.

So, I'm currently experiencing financial troubles. Aren't we all? It really sucks even more because pretty much the entire country is, there's no money, jobs, there ain't shit. Because of all this, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get money for school. My cost of attendance for the year is an ESTIMATE of $10,000, which only includes classes. No books, anything. So it came to my attention today that the $13,000 I was rewarded wasn't actually official yet. I did all the paperwork, but that money isn't guaranteed (like I thought) So, because of this economic crisis, my parents have sacrificed a lot in the past year. My dad lost his job, and even though my mom works and makes "too much" I can't get funded through the government. So their credit has taken a slight downward fall, I can't (or probably) won't get that $13,000 anymore.

So here is my brilliant idea!!!!!!!!

So, instead of getting depressed and crying in the shower (like I just was) I decided to come up with a solution. I'm going to start a charity. Hear me out. People can donate money through my website. I don't know if I'll set up a webcam and be a slut, or people will just hear my cause and think what a desperate ass girl I am and help me out. But I also think that once I finish school, I will keep my charity up so that people can fund my trip to Jamaica. (this is where the stoner aspect comes into play) So I really want to go to Jamaica and become part of the Rasta lifestyle. I can get various pro-marijuana organizations and my fellow stoners across the WORLD to get my idea out!!! It will be the best!!!!!